Westside Survivor

The Associated Press is buzzing about the twist in the upcoming season of the hit reality show Survivor:

Get ready for a segregated “Survivor.” Race will matter on the upcoming season of the CBS show as contestants will be divided into four tribes by ethnicity. That means blacks, whites, Latinos and Asians in separate groups.
The announcement was made on CBS’ Early Show. Host Jeff Probst says the idea “actually came from the criticism that ‘Survivor’ was not ethnically diverse enough.” He says the twist fits in perfectly with what “Survivor” does, saying the show is “a social experiment. And this is adding another layer to that experiment.” Probst says contestants had mixed reactions to the racial divisions.

Above all else, the latest competition configuration suggests that Survivor is finally running out of creative steam. This should come as no surprise – the recent failures of ABC’s “The One” and that silly treasure hunting show that looks like Tomb Raider (the name evades me) signal that the public is finally fed-up with these so-called “reality” shows. Perhaps it’s because the formula for these shows hasn’t changed since the felonious Richard Hatch slithered his way to victory in Survivor’s first season:

  • Put several slightly and severely dysfunctional people together in an enclosed or remote place not nearly large enough to contain their egos
  • Create activities and competitions that force some sort of cooperation
  • Leave loopholes that encourage duplicitous behavior
  • Count money while TV viewers gasp “I can’t believe she broke the alliance!”

Alas, Survivor has resorted to the race card to pique the interest of viewers. Who will win? I couldn’t guess, but rest assured the victory won’t be clean. No matter who wins, someone will complain and someone else will use the result as ammunition in his/her political vendetta.

(Warning: very un-serious predictions)

Whites Win –
Stormfront goes beserk. Conservative bloggers wait for Al Sharpton to complain so they can h/t each other to the top of the Alexa skewering him. Sharpton obliges, perhaps acknowledging that self-sacrifice is his only present contribution to political discourse.

Blacks Win –
Hip hop discussion boards go berserk. Black team members hit the lecture circuit expecting they will actually be able to convince gang members to stay in school by relating their experiences on Survivor. Gang members add one more long-shot path to pursue in lieu of going to school. Kathy Shaidle goes into cardiac arrest.

Asians Win –
Most Asians under 30 go berserk, unleashing a wave of testosterone-fueled aggression that betrays every “truth” we ever held about that culture. Steve Sailer writes a 3 volume book set on the season, claiming validation of his life’s work.

Hispanics Win –
La Voz de Aztlan goes berserk, promising America that this is “only the beginning”. Pat Buchanan spins the hysteria in the opposite direction, hoping to move more copies of State of Emergency. More Mexicans are convinced they can “survive” crossing the border and flood southern Texas.

Regardless of who wins –
Many bloggers will post nonsense about Survivor depending on its relative Technorati rank. Many TV viewers will be unmoved, citing Wife Swap played the race card to dramatic perfection long ago.

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