Cynics Unlimited

If someone asked “What is Facebook” would you respond –

• “A social utility that connects you with the people around you”
• “A human networking site like Myspace, but without the OVERT creep factor”
• A good way to covertly waste my time at work while appearing from afar to be busy” (at least until your network administrator smartens up and blocks the site, along with YouTube)

In the short run, any of those answers might be correct, but eventually your Facebook odyssey will either end due to boredom or twist into a far more sinister exercise. After the initial excitement of “finding old friends” has worn off (and you realize that close friends generally aren’t rediscovered by chance online after several years), Facebook surfing will regress to planning poorly-disguised attempts at reunions, trolling for photos and determining who NOT to be friendly with.

Trolling for Photos

Ugly  Nothing makes one feel better than when (s)he looks much worse than (s)he did during high school
Beautiful  Did that ugly duckling from back in the day suddenly turn into a swan? Yeah, of course you were only kidding about all that stuff you said to her before… You were kids and kids are mean. It’s all in the past now. Nudge, nudge, wink.
Illicit  Looking at people you couldn’t look at in real life without catching dirty looks. This is as old as the internet (actually much older!) and … we’ll just stop there. Stop thinking about it.

Event Planning (aka Reunion Attempts)

The Internet has given us good and free versions of software to perform mundane social tasks that would otherwise be ignored. Want to write to your mum in overseas? Use Hotmail or Gmail. Want to tell the world your all-important thoughts on life? Blogger will take care of that. Advertise your ground-breaking music? Mp3.com fits the bill. But what about planning events? Some might say Evite works, but it really doesn’t integrate with your “social life” per se. Facebook, on the other hand, allows you to create events and track acceptances WHILE doubling as a psedo-instant messenger, picture gallery (for events gone by) and spam-free email. Plus, the rejections remind you just how wise it is to plan social events based on nostalgia. Want proof? Look at the number of people who say yes to your event, never turn up, and never explain why. They were never going to come in the first place, but who doesn’t get caught up in the weepy prospect of long-lost reunions?

Negative Friend Selection

Some people think that Facebook should only be used to make contact with people they know well or people they know would be happy to make their acquaintance online. Thankfully, those delusional souls are a tiny minority. The majority of people on Facebook make as many friend requests as possible, as though accumulating large numbers of online friends were some measure of social desirability. Hence, most of us have “friends” that we haven’t seen in years, can’t be arsed to contact otherwise, and possibly wouldn’t greet on the street unless eye contact was completely unavoidable.

Still, there those people who refuse your offer for friendship and they are particularly special. Why? Because someone who can’t be bothered to do something so passive as add you to a glorified online rolodex definitely isn’t worth faking pleasantries with in real life. Keep walking. If you see this person a few times a month, you need to work on not remember that you do. If you see this person every day, you can be sure that you hold all the appeal of Reverend Phelps at a Barbara Streisand concert.

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